WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
I feel an e-mail message coming on. Suggest you scream upstairs as fast as possible before she lets her little pudgy fingers loose on her keyboard.
I know that you are presently unavailable, however I was wondering whether or not you might have a few minutes to see me sometime today or tomorrow. I just want to run something past you, but if not that is okay.
Thank you, o! wonderful one, for a delightfully peculiar evening. I, too, am happy.
As the well-known guru of the Cape Bar I was wondering if you could possibly answer my question. I feel like a "skrop." Do you know where I can get one cheaply?
Yours faithfully, for the moment.
Say would you mind awfully replying to my earlier e-mail message? There's a good lad
Illicit hugger on 12
Are you going to respond to my unbelievably generous offer or are you simply going to hang around and see if something better comes up before you feel compelled to reply?
Beloved
I love you immensely. The majority of the time you are one of the kindest and most thoughtful people I know. I really appreciated your comment about taking me with you,
I only wish I had known that earlier. I hope that your case pans out okay. Do your best, you are good at that. I shall make sure, if I hear an adverse comment about your not keeping your word in this matter, that I explain the reasons therefor. Personally, if it is of any consolation to you, I do not think that you would be acting ethically in this matter were you to stick to your agreement.
Even after typing this message, I still love you.
It is now time for us to go home.
Beware - an e-mail message from me follows - the reading whereof can be hazardous to one's health.
Dearly beloved,
I am delightfully dippy about you.
Many a true word is said in a slight state of inebriation. I appreciate your belief that it is done because I am my own person. How does it change things to know that, in fact, it is done out of cowardice?
I have the desire to send you an e-mail message. What are you going to do about it?
Personally I prefer genii, however I won't be pedantic. Wese, particularly Ise, appreciates the sum of you.
What do you mean "the little bit is the only part worth missing"? Exactly which "little bit" are you referring to - your tongue, your fingers, your willie or your nose?
As I have already said, talk, hug, kiss, cuddle, bonk, doodle, make whoopee, fuck, get our mutual rocks off, and, just in case you think I only see you as a sex object, I suppose I had better add, make passionate love.
Thank you, I love you too.
Hot off the press, latest addition - thank you very much for my lunch, I should have taken the chips home in a doggy bag for my children's dinner. Love you lots, you have wonderful heh!
Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here today, no sorry that is something else.
Janine was not in today. I have to have her affidavit signed and commissioned tomorrow as she is going away for a week next week. Would you mind very much phoning her and asking her to come in? All of the papers are on the twelfth floor.
The next major problem that I have is that I have been informed that there is no such thing as The Child Welfare Society of South Africa - Cape Town, Durban etc. yes but not South Africa. Apart from the third Applicant having been cited incorrectly in the heading of all of the affidavits and the notice of motion this is of importance in Janine's affidavit as she says
what the Third Applicant is. Please check this with her. If it is wrong can we just cross out South Africa and put in Cape Town which she can then initial?
I apologise for asking you to do this, I am aware that you are a busy person.
Stephen is coming in at about 12 to collect them for filing, if there is an insurmountable problem could you please let Mrs Kariem know?
Now to matters even closer to my heart. I am scared shitless, but I'll try to remember that cross-examining is just like a bonk. I love you very much, I have no idea where you will "land up" but I shall always regard you as an extremely special (urg!) friend. I must admit, it has been quite a spectacular fall – perhaps that's what comes of holding out for fourteen and a half years!
Deeply dippy,
Subject: a plot
Wed, 20 May 1998 16:49
I have an idea - are you bok? Of course we would either be disciplined (oo! yesss! pleease......dominatrix) or struck off, but it would be fun.
Subject: Re: a plot
Wednesday, May 20, 1998 5:42 PM
Bok? What's "bok"? But I'm so pleased you've had an idea, I'll say yes anyway. COME TELL!
Subject: Re: a plot
Wednesday, May 20, 1998 17:45
I'll be down in a few minutes
Subject: Thanks
Thursday, May 21, 1998 6:03 PM
I thought we might have something going, for a while. Obviously, I overestimated the feelings which I might be capable of engendering or invoking in the female being. (This is not a new mistake on my part. I've been known to boob before.) I am at present down. I have been for some time. I don't know whether it's the 'flu, or overwork, or just my personal circumstances. Whatever, I'm not Superman and I know that I've probably been a right royal pain in the arse.
Sorry. I would nevertheless have appreciated a slightly more sympathetic attitude in someone whom I regard as my best friend. I leave aside the fact that I believed, obviously wrongly, that you felt at least a measure of affection for me. No one should be held to protestations of "love" and affection, which were clearly not intended to be taken seriously.
Anyway, I feel you should know that I am a bit hurt. No, let me be honest. I'm hurting like Hell. So I would really appreciate it if you would just leave me alone, for a while. I will, as always, recover my equilibrium and will be okay again.
I hold no ill-feeling. Shit happens. And you're most certainly not to blame for my illusions and unreal expectations. You're still my best friend and I will always be here for you. Just press my button.......
But please give me some space to put my head together again, okay? And please be more careful with your words and people's feelings in the future. One day you may hurt someone who doesn't deserve hurting, or who can't cope with it. You're not at all good at dissembling. You give yourself away. For which, I suppose, I should be grateful. I could have got hurt worse.
The fighter still remains.
Have a great life.
Subject: Re: Thanks
Friday, May 22, 1998 09h30
What is this maudlin shit about?
Subject: Re: Thanks
Friday, May 22, 1998 10h30
What is the status of this message? Is it current or has it been overtaken?
Subject: Re: Thanks
Friday, May 22, 1998 11h30
Where is my fucking answer, dickhead? I thought that we were supposed to have something going - prick.
Subject: Re: Thanks
Friday, May 22, 1998 12h30
If you do not answer my amazingly straightforward question I shall come down there and knock your fucking block off. I am not interested in a fucking diatribe, nor even an off-the-point essay. Answer my fucking question, prickface. There is nothing between us, dogsbreath, other than a major communication problem.
I love you too.
Friday, May 1998
Thank you for the use of your books, as you know I put them to extremely good use. More importantly, what happened in your matter today? Finally, I trust you got wherever you were going safely last night. I shall try and speak to you anon, otherwise enjoy your weekend.
Friday, May, 1998
Howzit, Sweetheart,
Friday is fast drawing to a close, you have some or other obligation to fulfil and so do I. I have no idea what, if anything, is happening later tomorrow. I presume I will either be at home or at work tomorrow if you wish to phone me. Otherwise I shall just become increasingly cranky and bad-tempered and speak to you on Monday. What has happened to my teddy-bear? To a lesser or greater extent I love you.
Gorgeous, sans headache.
Subject: Where were you?
Monday, June 01, 1998 10:21 AM
This here is a Ted,
Who needs to be fed
With tons of affection
And any confection
Produced by a lady
Who needs her head read.
He loves her, you see
(That's between you and me)
And that makes her scared
And sometimes prepared
To say it's not so and
Pretend it can't be.
Sometimes she's so bad
He can't help getting sad
Most 'specially when she
Says on Friday she'll see
Him on his yacht; when
She doesn't, he's mad.
Subject: Re: Where were you?
Monday, June 01, 1998 10:30
To a Ted named Fred,
"What's this" she said?
You've been mislead
by your head
Naught was said
about Friday, Fred
You had to help the half-dead
It was Saturday, dick-head
Subject:
Wednesday, June 03, 1998 2:02 PM
I do love you.
Subject: Re:
Wednesday, June 03, 1998 17:14
How sweet of you to write me such a thoughtful e-mail message, I have the feeling that it really came from the bottom of your heart and was not sent merely because you were trying to work out how to use your e-mail properly. I am so eternally grateful for it, thank you, thank you, thank you. I must admit that I too have some or other feelings for you. By the way, how is my plea? Having just remembered it, I do love you too.
I hope that when you had your conversation with my friend about me you were not trying to elicit any information about me from said friend. I do not know of any friend of mine who knows me as well as I know myself and accordingly prefer information about me to be sought directly from me. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am obsessive about my privacy.
Beloved
What was that about last night?
Assuming that it really does have something to do with the fact that I am married, may I be permitted to request that you not make an already difficult life even more so? Just as you owe an allegiance to your children and your parents so do I to my husband, children and my father. Would that my husband would sign the consent paper and get shot of me but, it appears, at the moment, that it is all important to him to be able to say that he is married, albeit in name only.
I am never going back, neither of my own accord nor because of any manipulation that may be attempted to achieve that end. However, I am prepared to give him the time he needs to work his way through the divorce process so that we do not end up forever more enmeshed with each other. All of this, possibly, does not leave you feeling very secure - all I can say in this regard is that I love you a huge amount, I lust after you some and I, too, carry you with me in my limbic system. If it really is that important to you, I shall do my best to persuade my husband, however I do not believe that my being divorced is really going to make matters any easier.
I do not understand your reference to a "Mexican stand off", nor why you are suddenly of the view that it is not working - perhaps you could enlighten me.
Had I had e-mail at home I, no doubt, would have used that medium. I don't, so I won't.
I know that you aren't feeling great, nevertheless I do take exception to your laying this trip on me. That you can see me and my children in your space but not in mine smacks of illogicality.
Perhaps I have my own moral reasons for not going full steam ahead with my divorce action, perhaps they have absolutely nothing to do with any desire on anyone's part to even consider let alone attempt a reconciliation.
You have told me of similar lives before – used with no sincerity. Why don't you simply end "the relationship" and we can continue with the friendship?
On another, but related, issue, -- I don't feel the need to lie about your existence to my family. I can only surmise about your reason for doing so to your family about me.
Appearances notwithstanding, I am not a doos. Furthermore, I give you the undertaking, in whatever capacity, that I will not ever stand in the way of whatever you may want to do.
June 1998
I have a little shell, like a hermit crab, which I crawl into most of the time. I am very strong then. Beware if you catch me out of it, for then I may start to take you seriously and, boy, can I be a real pain in the butt! We have wonderful doodles but please don't allow all of that to fuck up an incredibly important and very special (urg! that word again) friendship. Tonight it is my turn to admit to being terrified, but, like you, I will deny that tomorrow. I do love you but I really do not know what to believe about you. I think I shall just continue to take you (literally and figuratively) with a huge pinch of salt. Why is my air conditioning unit making such strange sounds, or is it the sound of the building collapsing in little bits and pieces? And there we are, back in our shell. What is all of this previous shit about anyway? Terrified? Who is terrified?
Friday, June 1998
Is it dark and scary in there or cosy and peaceful? Thank you for the e-mail, now we both know why we behave like twits, on occasion. You ask for time, will five minutes do? No, I jest - take a decade or two. I would like to know how you manage to organise me all of this work, particularly for unrehabilitated insolvents! I am trying my best to become one of those too. I was very peaceful until the phone rang, why does a judge have assessors when he has the JP and/or the AG to help him? I am fast becoming immensely disillusioned with this profession. Never mind sweetie, perhaps both of our being half-stupid means that we can still take the legal world by storm, with you as leader and I, as behoves me, as your junior. Was that gift of a slightly out of date LAWSA an invitation to me to read up on the law relating to extradition before Monday at 5 p.m.?
And so I could ramble on and on but I would far prefer to go downstairs and see if you are in your Chambers so that I can b(h)ug you in person. I have all sorts of wonderful questions to ask you about pension interests. I love you sweetpea (!) have a wonderful weekend.
Monday, June 1998
To my learned leader, herewith my draft, you may make any changes you deem fit.
Please, with your permission
We come with our submissions
To fight this extradition
A 10(2) certificate
We say is worth - uh- shit
In our view, O! Beak
It means our client cannot speak
What's that you say?
You find ..... the State's way?
We'll fight another day
We'll note an appeal
Then, we'll argue for real!
Your evidently less learned junior
Thank you for your generosity and kindness. We all had a wonderful time. I am just sorry that it ended so unbelievably horrendously. I am outraged at the attack on your son, however I am, obviously, coming at it from a totally different angle to your position. I shall try and bite my tongue. I would just ask that, at a convenient time, you tell him that he is in my thoughts (as are you all), the soft spot that I have for him in my heart remains, I perceive him as a loving son, a great person and a wonderful, honest mechanic who is entitled to his pride and dignity. I can only try to imagine the feeling of humiliation that an assault of this nature raises in a person. I sincerely hope that any such feelings are worked through and resolved by your son. I, however, refuse to regard him as somehow being a lesser person because of the assault. I do not believe that he is. I also believe that were I to regard him thus that gang of thugs would have achieved a part of their aim.
Would you have any objection to my coming down to your Chambers to surround you with my puny arms and clutch you to my "adequate" bosom? Today it is I who needs someone to hold onto.
I cannot tell you how much it grieves me to establish that your world is so small!
I love you some.
The "almost perfect woman (my head not being flat-topped) on 12th"
This is a no-holds barred e-mail message. I love you lots. Dylan was a bit perplexed by your generosity and wanted to know whether you didn't have R1.00! Have a lekker weekend. Thank you for your help and providing me with someone to hold onto briefly.
Take care of yourself - o! prosecutor extraordinaire
My very special friend and colleague aka dearly beloved. Congratulations on your magnificent achievement! May the next 50 years be exceedingly happy ones. You are deeply loved, hugely respected and remain one of my very most favourite friends.
With my love,
Subject: nothing in particular
Date: Monday, June 15, 1998 23:29
Howzit Sweetie,
When I left chambers your car was still parked in the garage so I just decided to pop back in the hopes that you hadn't done anything particularly stupid. I trust I am not too late. In the event that I am, I can recommend a couple of good counsel. In the event that I am not, I do care.
Subject: Re: nothing in particular
Date: Tuesday, June 16, 1998 8:35 PM
We must have been missing each other in the lifts. I forgot my keys (home), medication and keys (car), in that order, in Chambers. I went up and down in the lifts like a yo-yo. Didn't do nothing stoopid, alas! (Except for travelling up and down in the lifts like a ding-dong, to the increasing surprise of McDougall and his attorney.) Thanks for caring. It means a lot!
According to your message, it was dispatched at 11:29 PM. What the Hell you doing in Chambers at that time!? (INTERBANG! -which is what you taught me, remember?) So today, when I went to my car/bakkie/4x4/extremely stealable commodity, I found that some cunt had tried so hard to steal it, he'd broken his bloody Allen-key off in the ignition, so I couldn't start the fucking thing! This was not a great discovery. It meant I couldn't get to Chambers in time to see my Mary Ann. Then, when finally I did get to Chambers, no Mary Ann. So I didn't get to see her. I am not happy! You see, she is my world. So I'll quickly send off this e-mail, before I 'phone her to tell her love her and things get mundane again.
Subject: where o where has my message gone?
Date: Friday, June 19, 1998 13:32
I bolted into Chambers at the unusual hour of 9h03.5 today, full of the joys of winter, to retrieve my soppy message - but: Zilch, Nyet, fuck all, nothing, keine e-mail message war gefunden. Was ist los? Liebst du mich nicht? Ich liebe dich.
Choes,
Beller
Subject: Re: where o where has my message gone?
Date: Friday, June 19, 1998 4:00 PM
Dearest Choes Beller,
Your soppy message got lost when I switched off my computer before dispatching it. Which is a great shame, as I'm sure it contained undyingly beautiful prose which would have been of tremendous historical value. Also for some reason I can't seem to recall what I said in it. I think it said something about how I hate weekends because I can't see you over them without possibly upsetting my family and how I am a spineless worm for even bothering about that and not having the guts to just tell the whole world that you and I are an item and how I wish I had more backbone, or something like that.
And how good you are to me and how much you mean to me. Then it got maudlin and I went on about how I would understand if you were to tell me that it just wasn't good enough and you wanted to end it and although I would understand please don't do that because I would find it very difficult to cope without you and I might just slit my throat which knew would make you unhappy as the sight of blood is never pretty. Then I started on how much I liked your kids and then I got very, very maudlin and I don't remember the rest very well. Must have been something that I ate....
So we never will know what was going on in my besotted and befuddled "brain". In answer to your question: Yes I do lieber dich, very, very much. More than you will ever know and for longer than you will ever believe.
Veldblom's friend.
Subject: Re: where o where has my message gone?
Date: Friday, June 19, 1998 16:12
Let's run away together.
By the way why do you address me as goodbye/cheerio barker?
Van Blooyen's former friend
Subject: Re: where o where has my message gone?
Date: Friday, June 19, 1998 4:17 PM
1) Okay.
2) Because that's how your message ended and I was trying to be funny.
Not Veldblom's Client's Financier.
I am just so sad tonight. I do not think it is the latter part of your e-mail message that makes me consider "coxing" it. I know that you regard this as an infant relationship, and, in a way, it is. I am just tired of pretending that nothing that you do or arrange matters at all. Never mind, I am sure that, come Monday, I shall feel better.
Date: Tuesday, June 23, 1998 09:08
Thank you for a wonderful time. Am I in bad odour or did my plan work or did you just not hear me calling you just now as we arrived, virtually simultaneously, at work? We had better not do that again - people will start talking you know.
I shall return your lighter after I return from Court.
Barks
Subject: Re: Deaf AND dumb ?
Tuesday, June 23, 1998 10:29 AM
You weren't the only one to have a good time. Thanks are entirely unnecessary. Your odour hasn't changed. And what "plan"? YOU had a PLAN!? I just didn't hear or see you. Which is maybe a good thing. To have arrived in the same lift might have started people thinking really ridiculous things, like maybe we're sleeping together.......!!!!! Ha, ha, ha! And how could you lie to the waitress last night about the paternity of MY children?
Your loving uncle,
Schmendrick.
Subject: Re: Deaf AND Dumb?
Tuesday, June 23, 1998 12:50
What do you mean my odour hasn't changed? I have bathed in the interim and re-applied some deodorant you know! Of course I had a plan, you asked me about it last night, remember? Yes, I agree, it is rather a joke to contemplate that anyone might think that we might be sleeping together.
The Bitch
Tuesday, June 23, 1998
Tell you what, make that last might, "are" and take out the "be."
Tuesday, June 23, 1998
Please take out the words "might be" and replace them with the word "are" in the final part of my last message. Thank you.
By the way do you have either a copy of or access to The Western Cape Gambling and Racing Law, Law 4 of 1996 as amended? Please could you let me know as soon as possible. Ta ever so much. Why are you ignoring my request that you contact me and my message?
Subject: Are you lonesome today?
Date: Wed, 24 Jun 1998 15:33
Wouldn't have been as big a hit would it? Simply because you are not here does not mean that I cannot inundate your computer with messages does it? Two weeks later I have now read the McCarthy judgement - if one day you get an opportunity to bugger them up on the merits then, subsequently you can raise a plea of res judicata - even Van den Heever says so, must be so.
Subject: greetings
Date: Fri, 26 Jun 1998 11:43:39
Hello O great Senior,
How was your bail application? Did you inform your client that he had the right to remain silent as well as the right not to incriminate himself? I did a search for cases on bail in the Criminal Law Reports and found that it appeared to be Botha's case that you had been referring to. Not such a slouch after all. Of course you didn't bother to contact me so I couldn't tell you of this magnificent find of mine - never mind, I am sure you managed admirably. Priscilla, not as in Queen of the Desert, phoned. I hope I didn't feed her any garbage. I shall discuss what I said to her with you when you come and see me.
Howzit Pork chop,
Thanks for hours of entertainment, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Must I await your phone call tomorrow?
In response to yesterday's e-mail, I am quite fond of you too.
Prima facie I am of the view that you lied this morning about where you were going from my house. If I am correct in holding this view, you will have destroyed a friendship which - up until this morning - was of some importance to me. However, I have no desire to number amongst my friends any person who does not have the courage to be open and honest to me about what they are doing. By the way, do you always try and flush movie tickets down the toilet?
Where is my five-minute response you wonderful dickhead?
Dearly beloved
Do you mind if I ignore your e-mail message? Hopefully the status quo ante remains. By this I mean that I hope that I do not have to stay out of your path and that our friendship/relationship remains extant. Thanking you in anticipation, by this I mean that I am presuming that you are going to look favourably at the above request and provide me with the answer that I wish to hear and for that I am thanking you.
Yours faithfully, that means that I do not cheat on you
My special (urg!) deeply loved friend,
I apologise unreservedly. You will be trusted for as long as you honour my request. I am far too horribly fond of you. Can you believe it - after 14 years - she finally gets an attack of the besots?
Your car's presence in the garage made me think that you may have returned to these here shores. Welcome home - you may have realised that you were missed.
Late June and early July are not my favourite time of the year, it always finds me a sad chickadee. This was how this e-mail started off but, as always with you, I couldn't keep up the sombreness, changed the heading and carried on as follows:
Any way, I thought that you kept your medication in a white polystyrene box with ice bricks to keep it cool. Furthermore, you must learn not to argue using non sequiturs. Hydraulic failure in one place is not proof of an inability to deceive, you just move to another place. Spaghetti on your head indicates an ability, admirable in one of allegedly advanced years, to clandestinely bonk at least three people at similar times. I have no idea whether it was indifferent, mediocre or fantastic, and quite honestly, doubt very much whether the quality would have made a difference to your said ability when the quantity didn't. I know far too much about you Uijs thus I request honesty. As you would like to be informed of any other partners, for your protection, so would I. I love you very much indeed, but, as I have said before, not blindly. By the way, if you make any more disparaging comments about your 49 year old member I will recommend that it be lopped of and given to some more deserving person - like me! Anything that has the ability to remind me of a beer can is worth having.
Subject: Re: Barker being dog-like
Tuesday, June 30, 1998 12:45 PM
Bitchbreath,
Stop trying to be Inspector Clueso. Detective you should, please God, never be. There are enough innocent people being sent to jail whilst you play assesor-assesor. Yes, I do keep my medication in a white Styrofoam box. Said box gets a bit beat up after a few weeks, so I acquired a better container at "huge" expense. I live on a fucking boat, you potz! Conditions aren't exactly ideal for Styrofoam boxes.
As for the fact that I have told you of my earlier misdemeanours, I would have thought that my being honest would have been a plus factor, as far as at least you are concerned. It's clearly not, probably because you're too stupid to recognise honesty even if it bit you in the bum. Funny that my member reminds you of a beer can. I have similar feelings about other people's "members".
Up your pipe!
Subject: Barker being dog-like
Date: Tuesday, June 30, 1998 12:21
Not only non sequiturs, but personal attacks too - you really should learn how to argue properly. All I am expressing, fairly tongue-in-cheekly, is my concern that I may be treated in a similar manner. Yes, you used to honestly tell me about things that you had done, but I do not think that I am being told them anymore, e.g. I have not been told what it was that you did when you went to visit Dyllis after our dinner at the Maharajah, that required you to apologise for having behaved like a boor, and to indicate that it was just that you loved her so much, have I?
I repeat that I simply ask to be informed if you have other partners so that I too can protect myself. The comment about the beer can was made last night and did not seem to cause offence then, I am sorry that it seems to have done so today.
Subject: Re: Barker being dog-like
Tuesday, June 30, 1998 2:42 PM
What the Hell is it with you!? And what the Hell are you on about? What supper at the Maharajah? When? Before or after the Ark landed? Do you really want to engineer a fight? O.K. then, I went to apologise for sleeping with the whole of the Buguberg Ladies Choir and Netball Team, including the mascot, a goat, in her sewing-room. It turned out that the mascot was a billy, not a nanny. And who's taken offence!?
But if you're that worried, take precautions. If it makes you happy, yes, I'm presently sleeping with 10(ten) women, 7(seven) men, 3(three) girls, 4(four)good-looking young men, a cat, 3(three) visually challenged mice, a poodle, a ridgeback and a small pony. I also masturbate a lot. ( This list doesn't include family. That doesn't count.)
Are you satisfied now?
Is it that time of the month?
Aggrieved.
Subject: Re: Barker being dog-like
Tuesday, June 30, 1998 15h00
We have only had one dinner at the Maharajah. I do not remember the exact date, however the e-mail message to Dyllis that I refer to was being composed in early May. Do you have to apologise for behaving like a boor so frequently that you cannot remember the incident? Perhaps it may help to jolt your memory if I were to add that at the time you told me that you were ''trying to end your relationship with Dyllis" which is why, as mentioned already, it was interesting to note that you said that "it was just that you loved her so much". Here, I would like to point out that, previously, you told me that the way that I could know that I was different to the three mentioned earlier was that you told me you loved me. This was something you seemed to set great store by. The e-mail continued in the vein that you had sufficient human resources to call upon to help you recover. Which sounds like the sort of thing one would write, if one were trying to end a relationship doesn't it? I have an e-mail message that I sent you on the 5th of May in which I mentioned that I cannot help it if I see things that I am not supposed to see, if you would like me to I can send you a copy.
And so you see, it is not a question of not recognising honesty, if it were to bite me in the bum, it's a question of having had to deal, since May, with the knowledge that someone who used to be open in his dealings with me no longer is and, I must admit, the more I think about it, the more it hurts.
Subject: You are a genius
Date: Wednesday, July 01, 1998 09:30
Dearly beloved,
Of course you are right, it's that time of the month again, how silly of me not to realise that I am suffering from pms, pauper's monthly stress - which comes first, the money or the writs? Not only will I teach you how to argue in relationships, I will also teach you not to apologise for something you haven't done. It is I who must apologise for reducing you from 150 feet tall to 2 cm in your built-up shoes (is there some hidden meaning in this change from whatever it was called (imperial?) to metric?)
I hope that your evening was a lot more pleasant than any shitty part of the day that I had anything to do with. By the way, your comment, about your olfactory senses sensing other men, rather bothers me, I think I must have stood in something that day.
Don't be a dickhead. I am an ageing woman, who wouldn't be able to do this more than once every two weeks if I tried. I love you a great deal.
Subject: Re: You are a genius
Wednesday, July 01, 1998 10:29 AM
Thanks for the message, you've made my day. I am elevated again to at least 10 cm. "tall". About the nose - you know how important it is to me (hee, hee, hee!). Don't knock it. (Bit late in my life to say that, isn't it? Just look at the poor bloody thing......)
I love you too.
Date: Wednesday, July 01, 1998 12:05
O Sweetheart,
What am I going to have to do to elevate you to 150 feet tall again? I do not think that you should respond to this question on the e-mail! Two weeks grace to try and find out what the hell an interpleader is, and how to do it. I was not knocking your nose - you know how important it is to me too. I was simply saying that it was not another man you thought you smelt, it must have been something I stood in! I continue to love you - two hours later, for me a new record.
Subject: Re: You are a genius
Thursday, July 02, 1998 5:58 AM
I left my glasses at your place. They're the only ones I have. Please leave them where I can get them. I love you.
Subject: Re: You are a genius
Monday, July 06, 1998 09h25
Lo and behold, when I arrived at work today I found an ancient e-mail message waiting for me. Aren't I clever to have brought your glasses for you, without having been asked to do so?
Thank you very much for having kindly picked us all up - we all appreciate it and you a lot.
I have a concern that I wish to raise - was I only meant to miss you "a little bit"? and if so, why was this the case?
Sometime I will get the opportunity to ....
Subject: Test
Tuesday, July 14, 1998 5:48 PM
Check the message.
Subject: Re: Test
Tuesday, July 14, 1998 17:55
Howzit Sweetie,
It worked. I love you lots.
Subject: tempus fugit
Monday, July 20, 1998 09:37
Just a friendly note to let you know that your allotted time expires on Monday next. (As you are no doubt well aware - so many people, so little time.) In the belief that you are unlikely to exercise any option you may have to extend the time. May I take this opportunity of thanking you for all of the fun I have had. In particular I would like to thank you for having been prepared to be seen with me in public on ten occasions (I've thrown in the two meals at Clanwilliam, the two trips to the pizza place and one to the pie shop at Kommetjie for good measure) - it really meant a lot to me.
Subject: Re: tempus fugit
Monday, July 20, 1998 12:19 PM
Is being shitty on a Sunday evening / Monday morning natural, or do you have to practice hard to perfect the art? The last few days (since last Wednesday night) have not been the best days of my life. However, I don't expect you to understand that. So would you please just leave me in my cave, where I'm trying to recover my equilibrium? I'm not coming out often enough to meet the deadline set. I have no intention of doing so. Thank you for your kind concern.
Subject: Re: tempus fugit
Monday, July 20, 1998 12.25
Of course you can stay in your cave, I'm firmly back in my shell and I sure as shit am not coming out for a hell of a long time. I am not setting any deadlines, I am simply stating that your four months is up next Monday. I am not being shitty merely self-protective. I can and do understand that the last few days have not been great - I am referring to the three-and-a-half months before that. But then, likewise, you wouldn't understand that either would you?
Subject: What!?!?
Monday, July 20, 1998 12:47 PM
What the Hell are you on about? WHAT four months? What time-limit? WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE NOW! I don't understand. And before you rush to make some shitty comment about that. Yes okay. I probably AM too insensitive to understand anyway.
I thought we were friends...........
Subject: Re: What!?!?
Monday, July 20, 1998 13:00 PM
We remain friends; my time limit.
Subject: memory loss
Tuesday, July 21, 1998 3:27 PM
For some inexplicable reason I really cannot remember very much about what you said I should say in this reply. Perhaps my boobs are where I store information and they have been "all shook up" - I don't know.
I love you.
Grope(r)(e) on 12.
Subject: Re: memory loss
Tuesday, July 21, 1998 4:58 PM
Okay. Not a problem. Let me refresh your memory from my own memory bank. It goes like this
1. Ad paragraph I of Plaintiff's Request.
Yes. Oh yes!
2. Ad paragraph 2 thereof.
Oh. Oh! Oh!!!!
3. Ad paragraph 3 thereof.
Oooooooooooooooooo...........
4. Ad paragraph 4 thereof.
Is the door locked? Lock the door!
5. Ad paragraph 5 thereof. .
I can't. They'd know! Oh God, don't do that! Oh God, don't stop doing that! oh........ !
6. Ad paragraph 6 thereof.
Please pass me my cigarettes. I have difficulty in walking.
7. Ad paragraph 7 thereof.
So do I. Get your own fucking cigarettes!
8. Ad paragraph 8 thereof.
This is ridiculous!
9. Ad paragraph 9 thereof.
Yes, but it's fun! ........
Does the above help you? I hope so, because it sure as shit hasn't helped me.
Tuesday, July 28, 1998 09h30
Now I would like to know why there were no e-mail messages waiting for me. I am away for an entire weekend and a day and you cannot get it together even to type one little e-mail message to me. To quote you "I thought we were supposed to have something going here". Obviously I thought incorrectly, or at least, we obviously do not have when I am away. As for the reception I got when I walked into your chambers....
I do hope that you will, at least, be prepared to sign the consent that I am about to laboriously type for you.
Miffed.
Tuesday, July 28, 1998 14:43
Are you a doos? Do you not fucking recognise a hint when one smacks you between the eyes? Where the fuck is my fucking e-mail, telling me how very much you missed me etc.? Shit, do I have to spell everything out to you?
More Miffed
Tuesday, July 28, 1998 3:03 PM
Welcome back. I missed you
This is a spontaneous outpouring of pent-up emotions.
Love,
PS. Are you blind? Can't you see that I'm under the whip? Whaddidya expect?
A fucking brass band?
Tuesday, July 28, 1998 15:10 PM
Thank you for my message. Your spontaneity and creativity is infectious.
And my reply is: Well if not that, at least a lone whistler!
Minimally miffed, maar magically muffed
Subject: Muffins for tea
Tuesday, July 28, 1998 4:38 PM
You have no idea of the trouble I went to, to arrange the music for your arrival. Whistler indeed! I had Bles Bridges organised to sing a selection of Worsie Visser's greatest hits, the Boston Philharmonic to play a James Last medley, Ge Korsten to do a few numbers specially composed by Gene Rockwell and the Moorreesburg Marimba Manne on standby.
Bles cancelled at the last moment. He lost his teeth in a swimming incident and wouldn't sing without them. The Boston Phillie caught the wrong 'plane and ended up in Koekenaap. Ge got his hairpiece stuck in as elevator and is still going up and down the Carlton Towers Building. And Shell S.A. repossessed the Marimba Manne's instruments.
I tried my best, then you crap all over me! Have you no feelings!?
Distraught.
Subject: Re: Muffins for tea
Tuesday, July 28, 1998 16:55
This was not a good headnote, you would have failed the course as dismally as I did. The contents had fuck all to do with muffins for tea. I do wish you would stick to the subject - or at least slide off it. I love you, fuckhead, why don't you come and say howzit?
Subject: Re: Muffins for tea
Tuesday, July 28, 1998 5:27 PM
I am so pleased to note that your language has improved so dramatically whilst you were "studying" in Johannesburg. Aunt Agatha is going to be so happy when I send her copies of your e-mail messages!
Your loving cousin,
Schmendrick.
Subject: Re: Muffins for tea
Tuesday, July 28, 1998 17:35
Hey Dickhead,
My language is clearly understood by the likes of you - and I thought communication was the name of the game. I am going to get you back for this tooth-mouse episode! I love you Sweetheart (!) take care of yourself, I shall "skrop" you yet. (Put that one in Agatha's pipe and smoke it, singly or collectively.)
Lust you
Subject: the tiny chatter of little teeth
Thursday, July 30, 1998 16:12
Took 14 teeth found
Left I.O.U
Using 14 teeth as a chair
What will you pay for safe return?
Mr Mouse (aka RAT),
tooth collector extraordinaire
Subject: Re: the tiny chatter of little teeth
Thursday, July 30, 1998 4:30 PM
Will pay any reasonable amount in kind.
Urgent! Have been invited to a braai this weekend and can't eat tjops without.
PLEASE!
Come home, all is forgiven.
Toothless below Ten.
Dear Creditor,
What do you mean you are my secret admirer (heaven alone knows why)? What does heaven alone know - why you are my SECRET admirer or why you are my secret ADMIRER? If the former, then heaven is not alone in knowing why, in fact even in the latter event, it is not alone in knowing why - I am wonderful, intelligent, sexy, friendly and I fuck well. If your memory is letting you down again I am prepared to give you a refresher course - for a reasonable sum of money.
I owe you nothing, other than ten thousand two hundred and something rands. Any attempt to get your hands onto part of the filthy lucre that my son has been promised as a result of your nefarious intervention and deeds will have to be directed at him.
The question now is - how much will you pay me to return your upper dentures to you? I must warn you that any amount below R140.00 is automatically going to be scoffed at! The reason that you are such a shit communicator is that you do not know the meaning of words. I know very well that dogma is the masculine version of bitchma, and that dogs are totally irrelevant to whatever you were talking about before you used the term. Did you got a matric?
Buttoned
Howzit, Sweetpea
Thanks for the lift, it was much appreciated. Have a productive day. I'll be down anon to kiss your head and give you a few hugs. Love you lots.
Subject:
Date: Tuesday, August 04, 1998 13:18
I have no idea why you said that I should take all the beers with me to save me from having to pop down to your chambers tonight. If you do not want me to come and see you, you simply have to ask. If you are of the view that I come down only to drink your beers I would point out that I didn't know you had any yesterday evening and that it was not I who was having a quiet kip in the chair. Be that all, as they say in the classics, as it may - I have got the message.
Subject: Re:
Tuesday, August 04, 1998 4:21 PM
No, dear Heart, you haven't got the message. You've missed it entirely. You're welcome to visit my Chambers at any time you want to. I enjoy you and your visits immensely. After all, I bought the beer for you. Doesn't that tell you something? But on Friday night I knew something was wrong. You were distant and strange. So you can hardly blame me for forming impressions, erroneous or correct, when I came in on Saturday and saw your car still in the building. "My" Mary Ann hadn't gone home on Friday night, had she? This was a bit disturbing. No, let me be frank. It was painful. My head was filled with all sorts of painful thoughts, somewhat exacerbated by the knowledge that I'd come in on the Saturday because I wanted to surprise you by taking the children fishing on the Sunday. Those are stupid thoughts, silly really. I have no rights of possession. Everything but. And I do realise that now. If I was grumpy last night, it was because I'd been waiting to see you since I'd come out of court. I'd bought the beers, so I must have been keen to see you, mustn't I? By the time you arrived, which was much later than you normally do, I'd brooded for hours. I fell asleep, brooding. I didn't get much sleep over the weekend, you see. Which is also my own stupid fault. Sorry for the grumpiness. It won't happen again. I accept unreservedly your right to live your own life. I accept unreservedly that if I bang my own stupid head, I'm to blame for any pain I may suffer.
Subject: Greetings
Tuesday, August 04, 1998 6:36 PM
I've sent you two messages already today, to which you haven't responded. The messages may have been late in the day, but when I came in today, the system was down, so I didn't get your messages until after 15H00. I couldn't have responded earlier, even if I'd wanted to. I don't know if you got my messages, I only know there's been no reply. Or response, because you were, as the messages said, very welcome to come to my Chambers. So I'm sitting here, pondering on the stupidity of allowing a best friend to become more than a best friend. I'm brooding. As anyone who knows me can tell you, that's not a healthy situation in which to leave this particular arsehole. To allow a best friend to get closer than that is a jerk-off. I've broken my own rules. Dickhead! No more breaking of rules. You are my best friend. Can I at least have THAT from you, by way of a concession?
Subject: Re: Greetings
Wednesday, August 05, 1998 22:05
Hi Sweetheart!
You can have that as a concession and the rest as a bonus
I love you, brood no more.
Subject: Of plastic smiles and crocodile tears
Thursday, August 06, 1998 09:42
"See you later, alligator"
"In a while, crocodile"
Subject: Re: Of plastic smiles and crocodile tears
Thursday, August 06, 1998 11:09 AM
You may believe what you wish about who I am and what I am. You may come to any conclusion you may wish as to what has happened, is happening and might happen. That is your right and no one can blame you for exercising a right. Your resorting to personal insults and jibes, based on personal physical defects and what has happened between friends in an atmosphere of trust, is unforgivable.
Subject: Re: Of plastic smiles and crocodile tears
Thursday, August 06, 1998 11:15
I am not resorting to personal insults and jibes, based on personal physical defects and what has happened between friends in an atmosphere of trust. Had I been doing the former I would have said "of false teeth". Nor am I talking about any tears that you may have shed in my presence. Having had three hours sleep last night I am too tired to even begin trying to put into words what I mean.
Subject: Re:
Thursday, 6 Aug 1998 13:30
My reference to crocodile tears relates to the words from "But on Friday to painful thoughts." They also, mutatis mutandis, contain the reason for why I was so distant on Friday. It appears that what is sauce for the gander is not sauce for the goose.
Subject:
Thursday, August 06, 1998 15:53
I do not know whether we have/had a relationship or whether we just bonk(ed) each other. Your words say one thing, your behaviour another. I have been left with an overwhelming sense of sadness and confusion - everything seemed to be going so well at one stage but it is all fucked up now. Perhaps it is I who is shit relationship material. I am sorry for the hurt.
Subject: Re:
Date: Thursday, August 06, 1998 5:00 PM
No, it's not that simple.
You have an unfortunate habit of leaping to conclusions, then lashing out wildly in the most offensive way, not caring what you say or how you say it, not caring whether you hurt or whether you don't. To say that I used you as an "alibi" was the last straw. I have no need of alibis. I live my own life. I didn't need to make an excuse to my ex-wife. I just didn't want her to worry because of my non-arrival. In truth, bearing in mind the suspicion with which she views our relationship, I'd need to be a complete twit to mention your name when telling her I wouldn't arrive. Unlike you, I am a free agent. I can come and go as I please. And on that score, I seem to remember unreservedly accepting your apology and explanation for being "unavailable" over the weekend. I fail to understand what motivated your outburst. I acted as your friend. Maybe I was being overprotective. Maybe you could have driven home safely. But maybe my insistence on your spending some time with me before you drove was wise. Maybe I insisted because I care about you. I can spend time with Dibs if I want to. I do. I've told you so, often. I've told you I sleep there. I'm not ashamed of it and have nothing to hide about it. In fact, Hannie knows that I sleep there. I could have said "Goodnight" and let you have driven home and then have gone to visit Dibs without you or anyone else being any the wiser. I could have 'phoned Hannie and told her I was going to Dibs', for the night, if I'd wanted to. I chose to take you there. Would I have done that for some ulterior motive, and if so, what on earth could that motive have been? Maybe I just took you there because it happened to be convenient and I knew we would be welcome there. Can you think of any other reason? Your obvious anger, your rudeness to me in her hearing and your speeding off so that I couldn't follow you to make sure you were safe humiliated and embarrassed me in front of a friend. Then you follow this up with an e-mail containing the cheapest shots I have ever had taken at me by an enemy, let alone a "friend". And your rudeness and insults since then haven't helped > much. YOU'RE sad! YOU'RE confused! Stick your sadness and confusion! I don't need this in my life. I don't need you in it. You are a very sick puppy. Your apology is not accepted. I've had too many recently to place any store on it.
Subject: Re:
Thursday, August 06, 1998 17:30
I do not recall being rude to you in or out of Dilys's hearing. I wasn't angry, just slightly uncomfortable. I didn't speed off so that you couldn't follow me, I did not know where you had got to. I went the way I normally go. When I did not see you at any stage on the road it occurred to me that you had perhaps gone the other way. I do not remember apologising for being unavailable over the weekend, nor that there was any indication on your part that such apology had been unreservedly accepted. In fact, as I recall it the whole subject was rehashed yesterday evening. The e-mail has already been dealt with, I have tried to explain that I was not breaching trust nor aiming it at any perceived personal physical defect. I do not know what rudeness and insults you have been subjected to subsequently. I was merely trying to explain what my message was about.
For the rest - O.K.
Given the fact that I believe that a relationship shouldn't stagnate, that it should result in growth, happiness, contentment and, ultimately, great memories you probably are right in saying that I am a very sick puppy. Our "relationship" retrogressed and became limited to your chambers. I had no problem with where you spent your nights. I just sometimes wanted to be one of the people you spent some of them with. I tried hard not to feel this too keenly but it did hurt when I saw that you were clearly not going home after our last liaison on the floor of your chambers. I clearly wanted and expected more than you were willing or able to provide and for that want and expectation and for the resultant hurt to both of us I am sorry.
Today I am in major shit. Hopefully I can stave off Pollsmoor!
Subject: pathos
Date: Wednesday, September 09, 1998 11:57
Howzit Sweetie,
I prefer the concise Oxford's definition, it being far closer to my understanding of the word. "A quality in speech, writing, events, etc., that excites pity or sadness." However melancholy will also do. Do not be surprised if you have no idea what I am talking about. I think you are simply experiencing the "advocate's slump" I love you nonetheless. I still do not agree that possessiveness comes from love - respect and trust do, whatever form the latter takes. Thus I trust you not to let yourself down.
Patience Strong.
Subject: Re: pathos
Wednesday, September 09, 1998 12:20 PM
Dear Ms. Strong,
Thank you for your kind letter.
Unfortunately, I must inform you that my heart belongs to another. In the circumstances, it would probably be better if we don't communicate further. My true love is a ravening lawyer/assessor, who would quite likely tear you limb from limb. She does that from time to time, you know. As for this Greek chap, Pathos. He doesn't live in Oxford, he lives in Woodstock.
Yr. Faithful servant etc.
Subject: Re: pathos
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1998 12:52
Sweetheart,
What is ravening? I wouldn't tear anyone limb from limb - didn't you read what I wrote you? Love does not result in possessiveness - insecurity does. I don't have the time to be either. I am off to Misty Cliffs.
Love you lots.
Subject: Mileage
Friday, September 25, 1998 12:39
I am trying to ascertain my car's petrol consumption so would you mind telling me how many kilometres you travelled in it on Wednesday night?
Subject: Re: Mileage
Monday, September 28, 1998 2:05 PM
To Pondicherry, then to the 711, then back to Pondicherry, then back to the 711 again, then back to Pondicherry, then home to the harbour. 15k's, 20k's max.? It matters?
I rather hoped I'd see you on Friday, after Thursday, which I thought was pretty good. It seems I thought wrong. I hope you get your car's consumption figured out. It seems very important to you. Sad that other things aren't as important as I thought.
Subject: Re: Mileage
Monday, September 28, 1998 14:30 PM
What are you on about? I came down about three times on Friday but you were busy. Thursday was great, so was Wednesday night. My son is still sick and my daughter was too - are you interested? My daughter wanted to know, on Thursday night, whether I thought you really loved her and her brother. How am I supposed to answer that one?
Subject: Re: Absurd attacks
Monday, September 28, 1998 3:36 PM
What am I on about?
I'm on about NO contact since Thursday. I don't accept it was impossible to contact me. And don't hand out catty and gratuitous insults. YOU KNOW I'm interested. Fuck you. That's a very cheap shot. You answer "that one" with the honesty all children deserve. And you know the answer.
Subject: Re: Absurd attacks
Monday, September 28, 1998 15:38
Hey, hang on a moment. What attempts did you make to contact me?
Subject: Re: Absurd attacks
Monday, September 28, 1998 15:41
I answered "that one" in exactly that way, that I thought that you loved all children - is that OK?
Subject: Re: Absurd attacks
Monday, September 28, 1998 16:15
Here is the honest answer - yes, it matters when you think that someone is not fully disclosing where they have driven your car, as your petrol level is considerably lower than can be explained by one trip from Hout Bay harbour to Pondicherry and back and that was the answer to the direct question as to where that person had been that night. Two trips to 711? What for? Why didn't you mention this - you were after all driving my car? I went to the boat because I thought you wanted us to and because you hadn't been in such a great state the night before. I was therefore rather puzzled at your absence for a couple of hours. I would quite happily not have stayed on the boat and simply returned the next day had you preferred us to. I have another friend who also needed me around on Wednesday night and I suppose I just felt that had I known you were going off somewhere I would have organised to see them too.
Subject: Re: Absurd attacks
Date: Monday, September 28, 1998 4:24 PM
Yeah, great! I mean, you're two aren't special to me, or anything. Thank you my "friend".
Subject: Re: Absurd attacks
Date: Monday, September 28, 1998 16:25
Stop pouting. Ir doesn't become you.
Subject: Re: Absurd attacks
Monday, September 28, 1998 4:20 PM
I thought I was too busy for you even to leave me a message?
Subject: Re: Absurd attacks
Monday, September 28, 1998 16:25
I'm sorry I do not understand this answer. My question was what attempts did you make to contact me?
Where should I have left you a message?
Subject: Re: Mileage
Monday, September 28, 1998 5:21 PM
The 711 is in Hout Bay. Was it that important that I told you that I went there to buy some or the other items for Hannie, that I did it twice because I screwed up and forgot the milk (or whatever it was) the first time? And as for staying away longer than I'd planned, I told you that I had a fight with Hannie about you and the kids being on the boat. If I'd known it was going to be away that long, I wouldn't have gone at all. Or I'd have timed the fight blow by blow, so I could give you an exact breakdown of how I spent my time.
Arrive 21h00.
Greet everyone, dogs included. 21h15.
Get told by Hannie she needs bread and milk and whatever for breakfast. Can I fetch please. 21h18.
Fetch bread but not milk or whatever (yoghurt, I think.) 21h48.
Arrive at house. Hannie sees car, freaks. Am I not sleeping at house, it's raining? No, Mary-Ann and kids on boat, waiting for me. Argument. 22h21.
Go to fetch additional item, to prove to her that I care enough to do that, even though I'm not eating or sleeping there. 22h51
Back at house, argue some more. 23h20? (Who knows?)
Back to boat. Arrive 23h35?
I didn't think to give you a detailed itinerary. Sorry. I wasn't keeping track of the time. I didn't even know I'd been gone so long (if I was). When you asked where I'd been, I said Pondicherry, which was true.
No it wasn't, let me confess! I'd actually been to Madame Fifi's Cathouse in Strandfontein, where I had three women in VERY quick succession.
Your car must guzzle fuel. But I'll pay for it, if you want me to. Yes, it was presumptuous of me to take your car without asking. It was foolish too, because it sparked an unexpected fight with Hannie. I thought we were close enough to allow me to take such liberties. And I thought taking the car would be QUICKER than walking all the way back to the boat to fetch my keys. I apologise for taking such a liberty.
I think ignoring me for the day Friday (except for a cryptic, bitchy note) was a slightly too heavy sentence though.
Subject: Re: Mileage
Monday, September 28, 1998 17:30 PM
I did not ignore you on Friday. You were talking to someone. My question remains - what effort did you make to contact me on Friday? If, as I assume, none, then why not? I did nothing wrong and deserved no "sentence". Van die os na die esel - do not assume the right to take liberties.
I am sure that the wrong volume has been sent down. Theunissen is doing the appeal on the State's behalf. She will not be back until tomorrow. Please, I know that you are seriously under pressure, but if you get a chance can you contact me so that I can try and track down the correct volume? I am a fuck up.
Here I travel all of that way back to chambers and rush in to read your erudite arguments. There do not seem to be any!? Pity.
You are pretty close to understanding what I am saying, except I wish to try and remain your friend. I am fucked if I am going to be fucked on your floor in order for you to get yourself back together again and then simply be discarded whilst you live your life. This relationship is a load of crock and I am fucking well being used. I preferred being your friend and I intend to try to re-create that friendship, if at all possible, when I finally come out of my shell. So get as angry as you like, fall off as many wagons as you choose, I am sure that some of your friends will patch you together again as always.
Subject:
Tuesday, 17 Nov 1998 16:22:
I have this desperate desire to send an e-mail message to you, the fact that you do not read them notwithstanding. May I do so?
Is the fact that we do not "skrop" each other the cause of this never-ending silence? No probably not, now that I think about it. Would you like me to be your junior in the Henry matter and, if so, what the hell are we going to do about the missing volume and our missing heads? Furthermore, what would you like me to do in order to start preparing for this matter?
Beleaguered beldam
I know I owe you R10 150.00 - is that why you are not talking to me? Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb - do not suppose that you have anymore lurking around, before they throw me out of here.
Howzit
Came in to fetch a stiffy so that I can do my opinion for King JP - came to seek you out as the soon-to-be-birthday-boy wanted to say hi (as did his sister), unfortunately you are busy and so all of this will have to be shelved, perhaps until next week.
Look after yourself
November 1998
You are missed. I was wondering whether you would be prepared to accept an invitation, extended by Master and Miss Heard as too Ms Barker, to sup in Muizenberg on the 27th or 28th November 1998? I know that weekends aren't that great for you, but I have to cook, and need hours to do so!
I trust you are feeling better than you were the other day. You are very special to me and I thank you for all the rich rewards that having you as a friend provides.
You continue to be deeply loved, admired and respected. With hindsight I am not sure that your answer wasn't the better one in the circumstances.
It is my great wish for you that one day you will meet someone, possibly with children, whom you love and who loves you warts and all and that when you do so meet this person you will have the nous to recognise her love for you and your love for her and will be satisfied with that alone. I cannot condone your behaviour towards Candace whilst you are telling me that I am your woman, saying I would be a hard act to follow and asking me not to cheat on you - let alone romping in the sack with me.
You are aware that Candace has thanked you for enabling her to trust again and yet you treat her in this unbelievably shoddy way. I do not know her at all but she remains "a sister" and I will not knowingly betray a person by being a party to behaviour of this sort.
As far as this matter concerns me, you were only asked, nay begged and beseeched, to be honest, sadly, even this appears to have been too much to expect.
My remark about whether you really didn't know why you hadn't been made an acting judge was perhaps a bit veiled. Basically it boils down to the fact that, if you lie in your personal life what is to stop you lying in your professional life? Lawyers ought to have integrity - both professional and personal - and, as far as I am concerned, you have shown remarkably little of this towards your former client, let alone your colleague, alleged friend and lover.
You have wiped the floor with our friendship, try treating Candace and any others a bit better.
Go well.
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